Marriage Lessons They Don’t Put in the Vows

I have been hearing alarming things from the younger generation when it comes to marriage these days. They seem to think that marriage is having someone as a house-buddy that you can sleep with whenever you want but that you don’t really have to include in your life or finances. I gasp in shock at some of the TikToks that get made by either party. This made me decide to share some of the things I’ve learnt in marriage that have helped me have a wonderful marriage.

As I said, I’ve learnt a few things about marriage and have coached my daughter quite a bit on it now that she’s heading into those waters. What “qualifies” me (so to say)? Well, I am on my second marriage and when I was getting a divorce from my first husband, I asked the Lord to show me where I had gone wrong so that I didn’t make those same mistakes again (you need to be very open to a few uncomfortable truths in this process). I will also tell you what I did when we made the decision to divorce, which made my life so much easier. Also, my mom has been married a few times (she always joked that she’s in competition with Elizabeth Taylor, which she beat), and I watched those relationships closely, too. So, it’s safe to say that I have a good understanding of what works and what doesn’t. However, each marriage and person is different, so what worked for me might not work for you. I am also not a professional marriage counsellor; these are just the lessons that I learnt and things I have seen. This post may be a little all over the place because I’m writing it as I remember things to tell you, so buckle your seatbelt.

Firstly, I wanted to address one of the shocking statements that I saw on social media about being married and shockingly, it was a woman who gave the advice. She said that you should always be dressed up for your husband, make-up, fancy clothes, the whole shebang and the same goes for your husband. I stared at the screen in absolute disbelief. Being dressed up every day for your husband is not sustainable. Your home is also your comfort place, your safe space. My husband sometimes looks worse than I do; he’ll even go to the shops with his clothes on that he’s doing woodwork in and I don’t care because I know that he’s been making something with his hands to make an extra income, which makes him my hero even more than usual, so I don’t care what he’s dressed in. And I show up for my husband daily in my actions and making him feel good, so he doesn’t care what I’m wearing. This is not a fashion show; it’s life and people need to start changing their mindsets about their spouse looking a certain way for them because I hate to tell you this… we all get old and wrinkly, no matter how much Botox you use! Okay, rant over (for now).

Secondly, I want to say this before I forget to mention it (Lol! I see you judging, stop it… stoooop iiiittt… stop it!) Anyway, when my ex and I got married, like most people, we got married before God as our witness and as Him being a part of our marriage. When you get married, the two of you become one (more on this later), so when he asked for a divorce and I found a few things out that made sure that our marriage was deader than a staked vampire, I went to God in prayer because I was angry, disappointed, annnnd… wait for it… angry. My prayer was something like this: “Heavenly Father, when ___ and I got married, we became one with You as our witness and You bound us together. You know what has happened Lord, so now I stand before You and ask that You please sever our bond. Separate us and make us two again. Please let me not feel any hatred or extreme anger towards ____. In Jesus’ name I pray this, amen.” And let me tell you, almost the second I said “amen”, I felt nothing. I no longer felt that deep anger or hatred, just disappointment. Due to this, our divorce was not ugly, even though it could have been. The point of the small look into my past is that when you get married, the two of you become one. A lot of people who get married these days don’t understand that. You are no longer two wholes; you are two halves of one whole. You are meant to be each other’s biggest cheerleaders, best friend, lover, safe place and love of your life. Yes, your spouse may have irritating quirks, but so do you. Your job (before you get married) is to make sure that you can put up with those quirks. You see, everyone can handle a certain number of issues in another person. I may be able to handle my husband’s quirks but another person would not be able to but they may be able to handle another person’s quirks, which I would not be able to handle. This is why it’s important to not jump into marriage, especially if you’re too young. When you’re too young, like I was the first time around, I made a lot of mistakes and I’m not only talking about the getting married part. We were both still selfish and young and didn’t understand much about compromise or accepting each other for who we were. Also, don’t let sex muddy your view of each other. Try to leave it out of your relationship for as long as possible. Otherwise, you may be marrying the person because you’re good together in bed but when you say “I do” and it’s five years down the line and the bedroom antics have gotten old, you might want to kill each other because the driving force for you getting married was sex. It’s not a sustainable action to build a marriage on. Don’t let it cloud your judgement. And trust me, you won’t die putting it off…don’t look at me like that…you won’t, I promise you! Another thing to know is that while love is essential, a successful marriage also requires communication (lots of it!), compromise and shared goals. Love alone is not enough and will not stand the test of time. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 100/100, both giving their all, together.

Another interesting thing that I found out (and this is for the ladies to know your worth as a spouse) is that in the Bible and in the beginning (no, not the beninging, hahaha! If you know, you know) in Genesis 2:18, God sees that it is not good for the man to be alone” and says He will make “a helper suitable for him” (or “a help meet for him,” in older translations). If we look it up, ʿēzer (עֵזֶר) means helper, but not in the sense of an “assistant” or “subordinate.” In the Hebrew Bible, ezer is used mostly to describe God Himself as the helper of Israel (e.g., Psalm 33:20, Psalm 70:5). It’s a strong, rescuing kind of help, more like “deliverer” or “ally.” And kenegdo (כְּנֶגְדּוֹ) literally means “corresponding to him”, “opposite to him”, or “matching him.” The idea is of someone who is his counterpart, equal and complementary. Put together, ezer kenegdo is “a strong ally who corresponds to him”, not “a little helper to fetch his sandals.” Ezer kenegdo means God made Eve as a powerful, equal partner for Adam, someone who corresponds to him in every way and is essential for the mission God gave humanity. It’s about teamwork, not servitude. How cool is that? When both spouses realise this, they become a force to be reckoned with and their foundations are usually strong and can’t be easily shaken. Now, the main reasons that people fight in a marriage are financial stress, communication breakdowns, inequality in responsibilities, intimacy issues and unrealistic expectations. I’m going to touch on these reasons a bit (or let’s be honest, it might be more than a bit but I will try and keep it to a minimum, no promises though, haha).

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Financial Stress

When it comes to finances, the biggest issue is that couples want to go at it alone and you can’t do that when you’re married. Even if you’re married with an antenuptial or prenuptial agreement, you still need to do your finances together. You are a team and your household should work like a well-oiled machine. That means that you should be doing your finances together so that you are both on the same page. Even if you hate dealing with the finances, you need to sit with your partner and do it; otherwise, the stress falls solely on one person’s shoulders, which is not the way to go because that’s when the arguments begin. Also, if only one partner is doing the finances, the other one will be oblivious to if there are financial issues and will keep spending money like it grows on trees (and don’t be a smart@$$, I mean the actual printed note and not the paper used to make the note, I see you). Like all things in marriage, finances are a team sport, so that you have common goals. There is no place for selfishness or spitefulness anywhere in marriage and especially not in the financial realm. Make a time to sit together and discuss the budget, goals and plans. Don’t make financial decisions on your own, and I don’t mean to buy a cold drink or something that small but for all the other stuff, you should talk about it first.

Speaking of financial decisions (yes, it’s shameful, but me needs the money to live *wink wink*):

**(For the Yoco link, you can click on the image above)**

Communication Breakdowns

Lack of communication is a very big issue in all relationships, not only marriages. It’s as if people have forgotten how to listen and how to talk nicely to each other. People are also always ready to defend themselves instead of seeing it from their spouse’s viewpoint. In a marriage, it is of paramount importance to let your partner know (nicely) when something is upsetting you. Keeping it bottled up, giving the silent treatment and hoping they can read minds and then one day exploding at them is not the way to handle your marriage; in fact, that is the best way to put deep cracks into your marriage that usually cannot be mended. Disagreements are natural; it’s how couples handle conflict that determines the health of the relationship. Screaming at each other is not the form of communication that I am talking about. When there is a lack of communication or the feeling that your spouse does not accept your communication well will cause you to stop communicating, which in turn will lead to resentment and emotional detachment, which will then lead to divorce or they might off you, you never know these days, true crime dramas are all the rage these days, lol. No, but seriously, though, talk to each other!

“A great marriage is a partnership. It can’t be a great marriage without being a team.” — Helen Hunt

When talking to your spouse, shouting at them is not going to help you at all. It is a known fact that if you shout at a man or an introvert, they shut down. You will then get nowhere with them. You need to speak to each other with respect and understand that you are trying to resolve an issue and the spouse needs to realise that they need to understand your emotions and wants and needs and not fly off the handle because you are not happy about something and then take it as a personal attack. How else will you know that your spouse is not happy, if they don’t tell you, unless you’re able to read their mind? Then you are either very lucky or very unlucky (I would pity my husband if he could read my mind, lol). Disagreements are not an excuse to wage war against your spouse. You need to always remember that your spouse is your other half, not your enemy. A successful marriage is built on teamwork: a mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace.

Inequality in Responsibilities

Another area that needs attention is inequality in responsibilities. This can also be a big relationship killer and I hate to say it, but quite often the men are guilty of this one. Not always, though, sometimes it can be the woman but it’s mostly the husband. But let me make this clear, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person necessarily, he might just be lazy or overworked at work, or not even think about it. Now, if your spouse works from home, then they should be doing all the housework because they are home anyway, right? WRONG! If they work from home, that means they probably work more than you do because they don’t get to clock off and leave the office. People usually expect them to be available all the time. And if they’re self-employed, it’s even worse. Then they’re usually working into the night to make their business successful. Now add onto that, doing ALL the housework, and you have one overworked and overburdened spouse that can explode at a moment’s notice due to exhaustion. Don’t be a douche. Help your spouse because you’re not the only one working. If you really love your spouse and care for their well-being, then you will be willing to help them without spitefulness. Spite is not a characteristic of love and neither is selfishness or self-centeredness. Marriage is when two people become a team… sometimes against the kids, sometimes against the world, and sometimes just against the laundry pile.

If your spouse is a stay-at-home parent, that also doesn’t make them a slave or servant. You can also help; you also live in the house, and those are also your kids. Like I said earlier, don’t be a douche! If you love your spouse, you will want them to not lose their minds, so help them to not lose their minds…it’s that simple. If one spouse is doing all the work in the house (whether they’re a stay-at-home parent or a work-from-home person), you can bet your bottom dollar that there will eventually be feeling resentment towards their spouse, it doesn’t matter how spiritual they are.

“Behind every happy couple are two people who have decided to be on the same side, no matter what.”

Intimacy Issues

Then there are intimacy issues in a marriage that need to be addressed. And yes, I will give it to the guys; this is usually a female issue. Not all females, I might add. I can’t really say too much on this subject without knowing the couple personally and what the obstacles are in their mindsets but I can say this…you should be enjoying your spouse. You should be paying attention to your spouse’s needs as well as your own. If you need assistance, then get help from a legitimate therapist who specializes in this field. Men, be romantic…ChatGPT is your best friend right now; it will give you a lot of romantic ideas. Women, keep an open mind and be willing to get help. There may be a reason that you don’t enjoy it and it could be a reason that can be easily amended or might take some healing and therapy but you owe it to your spouse to get the help you need to start enjoying intimacy in marriage. Don’t forget to cuddle, as it puts you in an intimate setting that will make you both feel safe in each other’s arms.

Unrealistic Expectations

And finally, we have unrealistic expectations. This seems to be an epidemic lately. Your spouse CANNOT meet every one of your emotional, social and personal needs and expectations. It is unrealistic and can put a huge strain on the marriage. It also puts a lot of pressure on your spouse. You need to be able to entertain yourself as well. You need to have interests of your own as well. It’s okay to want to spend every waking hour with your spouse but it’s also okay to want a little alone time with your friends.

I heard a story the other day on TikTok where this guy had written in somewhere and asked if his situation was normal. He told of how he and his wife were at a neighbourhood party or street party (I can’t quite remember which) and a drunk guy was getting handsy with his wife. The drunk guy was a big guy and the husband was not, but he still stood up for his wife and asked the guy to please stop bugging her. Apparently, the husband got beaten up and after that, she started getting distant and staying at work late. Everyone joked and said that they thought it was because the husband was weak and couldn’t stand his ground and now she’s ashamed of who she’s married to. I did a double-take at that because HELLO?? Your husband stood up for you, knowing that he might be beaten and you’re embarrassed? You should be embarrassed about yourself and your own actions. I can tell you that if my husband stood up for me and the guy started pummelling him, I would jump right in there and we would tag team that guy till either he gave up or we did but I would most definitely NOT allow my husband to fight by himself and then make him feel bad because he didn’t win! Okay, second rant over (haha). Also, your joy should be coming from the Lord and not placed squarely on your spouse’s shoulders. Yes, he should make you happy but he shouldn’t be your only source of happiness.

I could do a whole week-long marriage course (maybe longer) on the stuff that I see and hear on TikTok. It’s honestly scary sometimes.

Addiction and Abuse

This is an extra reason that people struggle to stay in a marriage and I wanted to leave it for last because they are heavy subjects. If your spouse has an addiction that you can’t stand and that is affecting your marriage, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself in this instance. How much do you love your spouse? Do you want to help them get better? Are you willing to go the distance (because it will probably be a loooong distance)? It took us being married for seven years before my spouse went into recovery and has been in recovery for more than three years now and is still going strong. It is not an easy path; however, my hubby didn’t get violent, he just passed out. This was still an issue for me because he was never around, never available and I couldn’t depend on him for anything. He also had a bad temper and would break things and throw them around when he lost it. Now that he is sober, he is less angry, doesn’t throw things around and is now dependable. I feel I have now got my fairytale marriage. Does that mean he’s perfect? No but neither am I. You might be wondering what I did to get him sober, well…I thought you’d never ask, I’ll tell you. In the beginning, I used to nag him and pray and ask God to work on his heart and change him and then nag him some more. I did this for almost seven years. Then one day I watched War Room by the Kendrick Brothers and I realised that he wasn’t mine to fix. I had to pray for him, love him and hand him to God. The first time it happened again, I failed at doing that and nagged again and God sharply dealt with me when I prayed for him again. He told me that He can do nothing for my husband because I am in His way. I pray for him and hand the reins to God but then I keep taking the reins back. I repented for doing that and made the decision then and there not to nag or do anything. So, every time he drank, I would say under my breath as I walked away, “God, he’s Your child, You fix him!” and then I would continue as if nothing was wrong. Believe me when I say, it didn’t even get to three months after that, when my hubby came to me and told me he wanted to see someone at the church to get help and asked if I could make the appointment. He got the help he needed and has not dropped the ball because he constantly asks God to help him and I counsel him when he’s struggling with life. I basically became his sponsor and his rehab in one. There’s a lot more to the story but this is the cliff notes version. It took work, patience and a lot of love. If you feel that you can do the same because you love your spouse, then do it, but if not, then you have some decisions to make.

However, if your spouse is abusive due to drinking or just because they are that way, then you need to seek urgent help to get away from them. I’m not talking from experience on the abuse part of the blog post because if my husband had even tried to physically hurt me, he would have become a true crime statistic but I can give my two cents’ worth. If you would still like to stay married to your husband but want him to get help, then you can always send him to rehab but if he’s not willing to go, then it won’t work. You could move away and pray for him from a distance until the Lord gets through to him but if you can’t see your way forward with the abuse, then you should probably leave. I’m always worried that an abusive person could kill their spouse, even if it’s by accident. Please get help.

Another thing (I’m almost done, I promise), this is to the men out there. It does not make you any less of a man to express your emotions and communicate with your spouse. Do not let society put those weights onto your shoulders. Your spouse is your partner, your teammate and the person that faces the world with you…talk to them!

Last thing (yes, yes, I know), you can ask my mom or my step mom what they miss about their husbands and I can tell you, they’re not thinking “Oh, I miss the money.” No. They miss the person. Their husband’s presence, their husband’s face, their husband being around them, talking to them, laughing with them…they yearn for that person. Your spouse is your partner in crime and God put you together and made you one. So, when your other half is not with you, you should be yearning for them. Now that doesn’t mean you have to be in their presence all the time, you can go and do your own things and most of us don’t work with our spouses and you are separate from each other. But I can tell you that while you are separate from each other, you should be missing each other and yearning for each other and wanting to be together with your partner again. This also means that you will do everything possible to be close to your spouse. For example, if you sit in church together and one of you is in the band and the other not, then you keep a space next to you for your spouse because you want them to come sit next to you and not sit anywhere else because they are your other half and you should be like magnets attracting each other. But, if you drop a magnet enough times though, it can either reverse its poles or stop being magnetic. Don’t let that happen to you and your spouse. People who have been married for a long time start to lose that yearning and they start to take each other for granted. A good way to help you reset your view is to sit and think to yourself how you would feel if you had to lose your spouse to death. If you would never see their face again, what would that do to you? If you wouldn’t be bothered, then you have a serious issue in your marriage that needs urgent attention. You are two people but you are one unit according to God. He made you one. Start acting like one unit. You would not keep picking a fight with yourself, now would you?

I hope this has helped a little in your marriage or to help you get ready for marriage. Share with us anything that you learnt in your marriage that has made your marriage stronger and better. I hope I didn’t lose you halfway because it is a long one, sorry, but I decided to keep it in one post instead of making a part one and two.

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I pray you have a blessed and beautiful day further. May your cup overflow!

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